Hmm, I just fell asleep for an hour. That's unusual, for me at least; I never sleep during the day.
Unusual times in general, makes you take pause and write a journal. I'm hesitant to bring up facts for something so personal, so maybe I'll be a bit abstract.
I've heard the concept that in some way or another, all fears are a fear of death. This can be a difficult concept to grapple with, how could a fear of public speaking be about death? However upon further thought, a fear of public speaking is a fear of people, and primordial you had reason to be afraid of them. Humans are social beings and for that reason, we to some extent naturally fear others. Dissent meant being thrown out of your tribe and dying, disapproval meant being ignored by your tribe and dying. We relied on the tribe we were born into, so we feared them.
When we are afraid of people, we aren't ourselves around them. If we are afraid of the response we'll elicit from someone, we can tend to mold our actions to conform to them; tiptoe around them if you will. My experience of almost everyone ever is that they endlessly tiptoe around triggers; I try to live by the principle of truth and frankness above all else, but even I can doubtlessly be guilty of this. Let's face it, it's easier to talk about the weather than stuff that can actually change the world. However the thought of tiptoeing around these zombies for the rest of my finite life is terrifying. The thought of being their slave terrifies me. If it were easy to be honest to people I think it would be alot more popular, and the difficulty increases exponentially as the importance of truth increases. Take it from a random guy on the internet, telling people the truth that they don't want to hear will ruin your life. You'll be confronted endlessly and hysterically, and possible even physically. One of my brushes with honesty is literally the scariest thing that's ever happened in my life, but nothing actually came from it.
This event I'm talking about really speaks to the fear of dying from social disapproval. Telling an angry drunken lowlife not to tread on you makes them rather angry. Maybe they think you're spoon fed, maybe they think you're a punk, maybe they think they should've punched you in the mouth. However when you see them later, they won't even look at you in the eyes. You're not afraid of them, but they're afraid of you. They turned up the volume as loud as they could but they didn't stop you. Oh I was afraid, if a guy that fat pinned me he could kill me. However I never regretted telling that loser that he couldn't tread on me.
We're all dying; although it seems distant, we're running out of time. There's a voice inside some of use screaming to be let out, but we can't because it'll make people hate us. However listen to how much you care about those people when you're on your deathbed. Listen to how much you care about the hysterical, the crazy, the idiots. How much time did the flattery of those lost souls buy you, none, not a day. You lived as a husk, a rag doll because YOU were afraid. Death could come at any moment, and for me, on August 30th, that might have been it. Nothing would've ever come from this account again. I'd have disappeared. Everything I ever said, that would be it. More scary, what I didn't say, that would never be said. Liam, welcometothedarksyde, that would have been it.
It'd sad that I had to come so close to realize this, to realize that death is coming whether I'm myself or not. Whether I do what I want, or what others want. Whether I tell the truth or lie through my teeth. Even if telling the truth to liars gets you beaten up, the people who stick around to pick you up are the ones you should care about. The people who want lies, don't want you, they want themselves. They want someone to parrot their delusions, so let them have it, let them be alone. In the meantime spend time with those who you should care about.
There is no way to live, but as yourself.
Also trying out some new punctuation. Thanks to Rahiden and LockmanCapulet for the pointers. If I used semicolons incorrectly please correct me.
Listening to: Echosmith Cool Kids
Reading: Universally Preferrable Behaviour
Eating: Pumpkin Pie